Part 2

The Continuation from my last post about LoveMySub and BelovedSangi (they can be found on tumblr under those  screen names) the BDSM D/S duo from that wowed me with their well blended brew of compassion, kink and creative collaboration that comprised their relationship.

Please note my pets, the refrain echoing throughout that reiterates the essential observance by both parties (or all parties when there are  multi-players) of: 

• D/S Communication
• Trust Between the D/S 
• Honesty & Not Holding Back
• Respect (of each other, their equal strengths and each of the D/S Hard Limits and Boundaries)

Regardless of if you engage in lifestyle BDSM and/or professional, the D/S  bond needs all the above in order to form and germinate a bond that’s mutually beneficial and healthy. In adhering to them, the dynamic cultivated isn’t destructive by any means and is actually constructive to growth both personally and in the realm of BDSM play. The delicate dance of dominant and submissive  has many variants and fluidity of forms but they are all united by these main building blocks. Think of them as the ultimate bondage that binds together Dominants and Subbies.

Fiona:

Q. Do your friends that aren’t players in the BDSM realm find themselves inquisitive in the lifestyle and curious to try it for themselves? With BDSM becoming much more prominent in the mainstream consciousness, do you find more interest than just a passing curiosity being sparked in more casual conversation in general?

LoveMySub: Yeah, actually one of my vanilla friends came to Frolicon in Atlanta with us and had an awesome time. He had never been exposed to kink before, but he really enjoyed it. He even watched Sangi and I do a 3 hour scene that involved sensory deprivation and bloodplay, among other things. He didn’t want to necessarily try any D/S elements for himself, but he did come away with a really positive feeling about the culture and was impressed with how happy and well-adjusted people were. Other people in my life have been curious about it to an extent, and I’m actually surprised that I haven’t run into more judgment about my lifestyle. People are actually pretty cool about it.

 

 BelovedSangi: My friends that I open up to about it are very curious and we’ve talked for hours about everything having to do with it. A couple have tried being a bit more kinky in bed but none of them have progressed to a full on D/s relationship. I really do find that there is much more curiosity about BDSM and also much more open mindedness about it. That being said, I think that the books and film that sparked this have led to some really bad preconceived notions as to what a Dom/sub relationship is really like. My mom had watched the film and had come to me and asked me what it was really like for me, she had been worried that I was in an abusive and controlling relationship like the film depicted. But she was also very open to listening to what I had to say about how it really is. And now she feels much more comfortable and better about me participating in the scene. I just wish more people would find experienced players in the life to educate them on what BDSM is really like, but there’s only so many of us and such an influx of naïve submissives and abusive doms that it’s impossible to keep up.

Q. What are some of the biggest challenges and obstacles in a BDSM relationship?

LoveMySub: Trust is huge in D/S. Huge. Not just during scenes, either. I have to trust that Sangi is following her protocols when we’re apart, which requires a ton of trust given that we’re usually 600 miles away from one another. Similarly, she has to trust in me that everything I tell her to do, every command, every rule I make is all for her benefit. Obviously trust is huge in the bedroom too, but that goes without saying. I’d say the next huge thing is avoiding selfishness. With Sangi and me, it isn’t difficult because we are both so completely lost in the other that it’s almost impossible for us to get selfish. But I think in many D/S relationships, the dom has to avoid using his sub for selfish ends, which can be difficult when you know that your partner will do literally anything in the world that you ask of them.

BelovedSangi: I would say that the level of trust, honesty, and communication are the biggest challenges. In my opinion, there has to be absolute trust between the players. The Dominant is basically taking the submissive’s life into their hands and the submissive has to trust without a doubt that the Dominant won’t abuse that power. It’s a level of trust that I don’t often see present in vanilla relationships and it can be difficult to grasp and attain that level of trust, especially for people who either have experienced past traumas or have been in dishonest relationships. Honesty and communication are the other two I think many people have difficulties with. In order for this kind of relationship to work, both parties must be completely honest, both with themselves and with their partner. This includes their needs, wants, fears, hopes, strengths, and weaknesses. Many people aren’t accustomed to being blunt and honest with anyone, let alone someone they are pursuing a relationship of some kind with. There needs to be so much dialogue and communication between them in order to fully understand one another. A Dominant can’t do his job if his submissive is holding something back. Not only that, but neither of them will be reaping the full benefits that a D/S relationship can provide. This can also lead to resentment growing between them that only ends up festering and spoiling the relationship. This relationship is about mutual respect and fulfillment, which can’t happen if one or both parties are putting their own feelings second in order to not disappoint the other. I think that concept is quite difficult for many new players to grasp and utilize.

Part 3 is coming 6/20!